Barbie: Total War
Oct. 29th, 2023 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
predelectionOk so since I read buckets of military history/strategy when I had COVID and because someeone finally posted the full Barbie (2023) scene where the Kens go to war, I wanted to do a write-up on the strategy and tactics of the Ryan Gosling Ken and Sima Liu Ken armies after rewatching the scene about 10 billion times. Here's the scene for reference.
Strategy:
The Kens have no strategic goals except perhaps "don't talk to my girlfriend"? It is not clear how war will achieve this goal when it's impossible for the immortal plastic dolls to die. This is a stupid war.
Geography of the Battlefield:
Before the scene linked above, the Ryan Gosling Ken tells his allied Kens that they will attack at 10 a.m. to "take advantage of the morning sun". Presumably, this means Ryan Gosling Ken intends for the sun to be behind his army during the battle to blind the enemy troops. This does not make a lot of sense because at the beginning of the battle Ken yells "I'll see you on the Malibu beach" while his troops make an amphibious approach. (IMO this line itself was out of place. He's yelling it while both armies are already at the beach and flinging inner tubes at each other. It's not "I will see you on the Malibu beach" it's "I am seeing you on the Malibu beach".) If this really was Malibu beach, Ryan Gosling Ken would be approaching from the west, making the sun rise behind Sima Liu Ken's eastward approaching army, giving Sima Liu the advantage of the morning sun. But if we look at the map of Barblie Land (shaped like a heart, with the beach cutting through the bottom point of the heart) the coast line is geographically divided east-west, meaning Ryan Gosling Ken's army approached from the south while Sima Liu Ken's army approached from the north. Neither army gets the Morning Sun Buff.
Regardless of if the two armies meet at an east-west or north-south trajectory, Ryan Gosling's choice to attack by sea is a tactical nightmare. The beach starts at the street and slopes downwards towards to ocean. Arriving by boat means that his troops will have to fight a literal uphill battle with no method of retreat except winning (unlikely, as we will see) or to leave the way they came (by boat) which they would then have to defend while fleeing. This choice is doubly bizarre since Ryan Gosling Ken's army formed up at Margo Robbie's Dream House cul-de-sac which is...also north of the beach? Why did they march to the beach, get on boats, and turn around to land on the beach? My best guess is the design team wanted to evoke imagery of the Normandy landings which, though a successful operation and one of the most famous amphibious landings in history, resulted in a 10:1 ratio of Allied forces to German army deaths.
Tactics:
Just observing the geography of the battlefield reveals that Ryan Gosling Ken's army is at a huge disadvantage. In contrast, Sima Liu Ken's army is in the best possible position. If the beach runs in alignment with IRL Malibu, they have the morning sun. Their army is advancing from the high ground and with a little bit of planning, can also cut off the opposing army's means of retreat and subsequently corral them into increasingly disadvantageous battlefields while they are trapped on land.
By choosing an amphibious landing, Ryan Gosling Ken (who does not have tanks) also committed himself to fighting this battle with only infantry. However, Sima Liu Ken has both infantry and cavalry. Cavalry does not beat infantry (because war is not a game of rock-paper-scissiors), but the main purpose of cavalry was to break infantry ranks, then chase down the feeling infantrymen.
Before Sima Liu Ken gives Scott Evans Ken (cavalry commander) the order to charge, his troops are already harassing Ryan Gosling Ken's landing party with projectiles making it impossible for his infantry for deploy any anti-cavalry countertactics or even get into formation (demonstrated by Kingsley Ben-Adir Ken's desperate bellycrawl to plant their standard in the horse sand sculpture- another WWII reference?). After failing to establish themselves on the shoreline or get into formation, getting slammed with a cavalry charge is all it would take to annihilate Ryan Gosling Ken's troops. He instantly lost control of his army and has no presence on the battle field. At 1:26 you can see the fear and despair in his eyes. He has lost the Ken Wars before they even began.
Of course, we don't actually get to see the cavalry charge executed or Ryan Gosling's troops get wiped out because when the scene cuts to a wide shot, it looks like the battle instantly devolves into melee. A human MBA gets shot. The Barbie Overlords look on in glee as their scheme to maintain their ascendancy succeeds and half their society tries to destroy itself through bloodshed. Sima Liu Ken and Ryan Goslinng Ken beach each other off so hard everyone sparkles into a pocket dimension where they mind-meld and dance their feelings out and Jojo pose. I loved this part, no notes except maybe more sparkles?
Conclusions:
-William Tecumseh Sherman
Strategy:
The Kens have no strategic goals except perhaps "don't talk to my girlfriend"? It is not clear how war will achieve this goal when it's impossible for the immortal plastic dolls to die. This is a stupid war.
Geography of the Battlefield:
Before the scene linked above, the Ryan Gosling Ken tells his allied Kens that they will attack at 10 a.m. to "take advantage of the morning sun". Presumably, this means Ryan Gosling Ken intends for the sun to be behind his army during the battle to blind the enemy troops. This does not make a lot of sense because at the beginning of the battle Ken yells "I'll see you on the Malibu beach" while his troops make an amphibious approach. (IMO this line itself was out of place. He's yelling it while both armies are already at the beach and flinging inner tubes at each other. It's not "I will see you on the Malibu beach" it's "I am seeing you on the Malibu beach".) If this really was Malibu beach, Ryan Gosling Ken would be approaching from the west, making the sun rise behind Sima Liu Ken's eastward approaching army, giving Sima Liu the advantage of the morning sun. But if we look at the map of Barblie Land (shaped like a heart, with the beach cutting through the bottom point of the heart) the coast line is geographically divided east-west, meaning Ryan Gosling Ken's army approached from the south while Sima Liu Ken's army approached from the north. Neither army gets the Morning Sun Buff.
Regardless of if the two armies meet at an east-west or north-south trajectory, Ryan Gosling's choice to attack by sea is a tactical nightmare. The beach starts at the street and slopes downwards towards to ocean. Arriving by boat means that his troops will have to fight a literal uphill battle with no method of retreat except winning (unlikely, as we will see) or to leave the way they came (by boat) which they would then have to defend while fleeing. This choice is doubly bizarre since Ryan Gosling Ken's army formed up at Margo Robbie's Dream House cul-de-sac which is...also north of the beach? Why did they march to the beach, get on boats, and turn around to land on the beach? My best guess is the design team wanted to evoke imagery of the Normandy landings which, though a successful operation and one of the most famous amphibious landings in history, resulted in a 10:1 ratio of Allied forces to German army deaths.
Tactics:
Just observing the geography of the battlefield reveals that Ryan Gosling Ken's army is at a huge disadvantage. In contrast, Sima Liu Ken's army is in the best possible position. If the beach runs in alignment with IRL Malibu, they have the morning sun. Their army is advancing from the high ground and with a little bit of planning, can also cut off the opposing army's means of retreat and subsequently corral them into increasingly disadvantageous battlefields while they are trapped on land.
By choosing an amphibious landing, Ryan Gosling Ken (who does not have tanks) also committed himself to fighting this battle with only infantry. However, Sima Liu Ken has both infantry and cavalry. Cavalry does not beat infantry (because war is not a game of rock-paper-scissiors), but the main purpose of cavalry was to break infantry ranks, then chase down the feeling infantrymen.
Before Sima Liu Ken gives Scott Evans Ken (cavalry commander) the order to charge, his troops are already harassing Ryan Gosling Ken's landing party with projectiles making it impossible for his infantry for deploy any anti-cavalry countertactics or even get into formation (demonstrated by Kingsley Ben-Adir Ken's desperate bellycrawl to plant their standard in the horse sand sculpture- another WWII reference?). After failing to establish themselves on the shoreline or get into formation, getting slammed with a cavalry charge is all it would take to annihilate Ryan Gosling Ken's troops. He instantly lost control of his army and has no presence on the battle field. At 1:26 you can see the fear and despair in his eyes. He has lost the Ken Wars before they even began.
Of course, we don't actually get to see the cavalry charge executed or Ryan Gosling's troops get wiped out because when the scene cuts to a wide shot, it looks like the battle instantly devolves into melee. A human MBA gets shot. The Barbie Overlords look on in glee as their scheme to maintain their ascendancy succeeds and half their society tries to destroy itself through bloodshed. Sima Liu Ken and Ryan Goslinng Ken beach each other off so hard everyone sparkles into a pocket dimension where they mind-meld and dance their feelings out and Jojo pose. I loved this part, no notes except maybe more sparkles?
Conclusions:
WAR IS HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!
-William Tecumseh Sherman
no subject
Date: 2023-10-31 12:57 am (UTC)🥺❤️❤️❤️
And even if he did successfully execute a retreat on the boats he's now trapped at sea because he cannot land because there is nowhere else to land!?!? THIS TORMENTS ME!! WHY WOULD HE DO THIS!?!?!?!?